5 Breakup Mistakes That Make Healing Harder (And How to Avoid Them)

Welcome to the second episode of our three-part series dedicated to understanding and healing from heartbreak.

In our previous episode, we explored how heartbreak can trigger physical pain due to its connection with the pain centre of our brain. Studies show that this pain can mirror the experience of withdrawal from addiction. Research involving thousands of brain scans reveals that romantic rejection activates the ventral tegmental area (VTA), nucleus accumbens, and caudate nucleus—areas also involved in drug addiction and craving. This highlights why heartbreak can feel so traumatic.

"The god of love lives in a state of need. It is a need. It is an urge. It is a homeostatic imbalance. Like hunger and thirst, it's almost impossible to stamp out." — Plato

I wanted to remind you of this biological fact so that you realise that you are not in total control, and it's not your fault. You are not broken, and you shouldn't feel ashamed on top of hurting. This feeling stems from a place of suffering and is driven by an evolutionary brain system that has developed a drive to mate so strong that it resembles much more a mental illness than a desperate sentimental parade. As Helen Fisher says, "People live for love, kill for love, and die for love."

Why We Shouldn't Stop the Pain

I believe we shouldn't stop the pain because to heal effectively - not just visibly - we must move through it. Avoiding the pain of heartbreak only delays the healing process, which you'll eventually have to confront and start over. We've all heard stories of people still vividly heartbroken after years, sometimes decades. This happens because they did not allow for grieving to take place. Grieving is the most crucial phase of any healing process.

Heartbreak Triggers Trauma-Like Responses

• Hyperarousal: After heartbreak, people experience hypervigilance, insomnia, and intrusive thoughts—hallmarks of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).

• Emotional Dysregulation: Just like survivors of other traumas, those experiencing heartbreak report extreme mood swings, depression, and anxiety.

• Avoidance Behaviours: Many avoid places, songs, or reminders of the lost relationship—just as trauma survivors avoid triggers linked to their trauma.

5 Common Mistakes That Prevent Healing

1. Staying in contact:

It is tempting to keep them or their belongings in your life when you are not ready to let go. But the problem is that it reactivates the wound. Tell yourself that if they broke up with you and demonstrated that you were not enough for them, they are not the right person.

2. Avoiding the pain:

As relationship coach Mathew Hussey said in one of his workshops, "No one wants to throw up, but we feel better after we do." Nobody wants to feel pain, but once we move through it, it brings relief. By learning to change your relationship with pain, you will realise that it comes in waves. Sometimes you feel a 9 on the pain scale, and then one hour later, it's down to a 5.

3. Passively waiting for the pain to go:

Healing is an active phase in which you must proactively seek closure. Numbing yourself until it goes is doomed to create false positive stories and memories. The brain typically keeps the good and forgets all the ugly bits that put you in this position today. It's not pessimistic; it's realistic.

4. Staying in your cave alone:

After a traumatic breakup, getting others' perspectives on life is essential rather than relying solely on your own. Our view of relationships can become biased by how we think of ourselves, the world, and love after the breakdown. Spending time with friends and loved ones you trust is one of the most natural ways to boost oxytocin, which helps calm anxiety and ease feelings of loneliness.

5. Living in the past:

Spending time with mutual friends and visiting places you used to go together is a common mistake we make after a breakup. The issue is that we cannot carry the past with us to move forward. It might sound harsh, but the reality is that most heartbreaks last longer than they should—like years—because we allow past hurts to linger in our lives every single day.

Next Steps

In conclusion, healing from heartbreak requires the courage to be uncomfortable for a while, face the truth, and allow the experience and the pain to teach you.

Want to learn more about healing from heartbreak, including a proven recovery process? Subscribe to my newsletter for the full-part series, which includes practical techniques that I'll share in next week's final episode.

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Booking link: cal.com/ellenmouton

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Resources

Watch

Helen Fisher TedTalk the brain in love https://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_the_brain_in_love

Biological Anthropologist Answers Love Questions WIRED https://youtu.be/6DYgImG1CKo?si=_TI8aekevxJ_UgKt

Read

Kubler-Ross Stages of Dying and Subsequent Models of Grief: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507885/

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) for PTSD: https://www.ptsd.va.gov/professional/treat/txessentials/emdr_pro.asp

10 Ways Walking Meditation Walks Benefits Your Health: https://www.verywellhealth.com/walking-meditation-8685709