Overcome Social Anxiety: 3 Proven EQ Skills That Ended My 10-Year Isolation

After ten years of solitude, I felt so socially awkward that I couldn't even look people in the eye!

I felt rejected by everyone—even by dogs and cats, who seemed to prefer everyone but me! Literally! That hurts.

I was overweight, had dark skin, and was tall. I was different! Which one was it? I wondered why I even cared, but at the same time, I did care.

I tried to lose weight! But it didn't change anything. I wore makeup. It didn't help me connect either.

I remember thinking that life was too complicated. Maybe I was better off alone.

But I didn't mean it. I didn't want to be alone growing up.

It's important to understand that when you're anxious in relationships, your life revolves around how often and how much you are unwanted and rejected. And everything that makes you different becomes evidence for why you're disliked.

Although you feel that way, the world doesn't hate you.

You must understand this: your deepest wounds are mirrored back at you through every connection in your life. BUT you don't have to quit people. If you want connection, you have to learn people.

And so, eventually, I had to learn social skills, only to realise I never had them in the first place! Nobody taught me! My parents didn't learn these skills themselves. So TV raised me—you know, back before the internet and social media (that's for Gen Z)—for better and worse.

I was in a trauma state growing up, so instead, my childhood wounds shut me down (chronic depression and fatigue) and made me feel like relationships were a threat and energy-consuming.

And the result?

Well, I started getting bullied. But long story short, I stood up for myself during my teenage years, and instead, I did the remarkable thing: I became angry—very angry—like my father. But it just made things worse—for a long time.

I was always an "all or nothing" kind of gal, so I decided to conceal my anger AND close myself off from the outside world. At this point, I’m just running in circles. That means my introversion was a survival mechanism, not a natural state. And after many years, it became natural.

It's discouraging not to feel accepted after you've tried, especially when you don't have a support system. You close yourself like an impenetrable shell, not because you aren't kind, but because you're in pain.

That's why I always struggled to connect with other human beings. I didn't know how to put myself in social situations. As an introverted, hypersensitive teenager, I forced myself to go out—but I hated it. I always preferred deep conversations in small groups or one-on-one. But connecting is hard at noisy, alcohol-fueled parties.

Later, as I learned social skills, I became an ambivert—meaning I'm still introverted but can thrive on extroversion when needed. It's the best of both worlds!

That being said, I'm certain that after reading this letter, you'll not only feel better about yourself (as I share even more about my struggles with reconnecting and how I overcame them), but I'll also break down the three most crucial relational skills to practice before dating again—or even making friends or any connections. And how to do it!

Because you can't build social muscles without learning the 3 essential social hacks I'm going to share before you enter a social circle or relationship.

We'll cover:

• How Your Energy Levels Predict Socialising Failure

• How Your Boundaries Drain You or Push Others Away (Diffused or Rigid)

• The Role of Eye Contact & Facial Expressions in Forming Relationships

• And a bonus hack to self soothe After a Social Trigger
  

Origins of My Lone Wolf Tendencies

Growing up in an environment where my feelings were dismissed and affection wasn't on the menu made me retreat into solitude. Solitude became my protection. My safe space.

Without realising it, I became a lone wolf.

The walls kept growing thicker. After a while, I stopped feeling anything at all when people hurt me. It was like my heart grew its own protective shell.

I started seeing all relationships as potential threats. Every interaction felt risky. My brain learned to associate connection with danger.

What's interesting is that solitude can become not just comfortable but preferable. It can evolve into what feels like one's natural state.

So I convinced myself this was simply my personality. I told myself I was meant to be alone. In reality, I was adapting to protect myself.

This is the paradox of the lone wolf. You might seem strong and independent to others, but inside, you're building walls to protect your most vulnerable parts. What others see as strength might actually be a sophisticated defence mechanism. You're not thriving in solitude—you're hiding in it.

The most painful realisation was understanding my fierce independence wasn't a noble trait. It was my wounded self trying to avoid feeling dismissed again. These early patterns became the blueprint for relationships throughout my life. Many years later, they led to my decade of intentional isolation. And they made reconnection incredibly difficult when I finally decided to try.

But reconnecting isn't about forcing yourself into uncomfortable situations. It's about gradually expanding your comfort zone while respecting your need for solitude. The goal isn't to become someone you're not.

The Contradictory Patterns

I sabotaged so many friendships without even realising it at the time. I'd go in 100% from the beginning—giving all my energy, always available, always present. I wanted connection, but I didn't know how to give without giving too much.

As a sensitive person who needs a lot of solitude to function, that kind of intensity wasn't sustainable. It always went too far. And then I'd hit this invisible wall; I couldn't keep up, so I'd retreat. Disappear into my cave.

That's where the shame would kick in. I would feel like I'd led people on, like I had made them believe I could stay present, when actually, I was already on the edge of burnout. I wasn't playing games; I just didn't know how to do it differently.

You're not backing off because you don't care—it's just that being around people starts to feel like too much, and you need space to breathe and repair.

But even though you pull away, it still hurts when you're left out. It's that contradiction: feeling drained, yet still wanting connection.

The truth is that it's not about the people around you—it's about learning how to manage your energy, set clear boundaries, and communicate your needs. That's where things begin to shift.

As I shared in my video "I Quit Relationships and Spent 10 Years In Solitude!" true healing isn't about isolation but about being vulnerable enough to place boundaries and try to connect again. The challenge is that our habits have become second nature, like driving—what was once hard now happens on autopilot. Similarly, improving relational skills takes effort and practice, but it's possible if you're willing to put in the work.

The 3 Simple Social EQ Skills

The First Simple Social EQ Skill: Energy Mapping & Learning to Say No

You might notice boundary imbalances in your life. Maybe you've got low boundaries when it comes to energy vampires—those people or situations that drain you. That leaves you feeling depleted and forces you to retreat into your "cave." Then, there's the other side: high boundaries that protect you, but they can be so high that they shut people out completely. You want connection, but at the same time, you push people away.

This is where boundaries come in. Proper boundaries help create safety for genuine connection without leaving you feeling drained. It's about managing your energy.

Energy Management Component:

Understanding your natural energy cycles and planning your social interactions accordingly is the key to balancing connection and self-preservation.

The Boundary Setting Practice:

Before diving into specific boundary practices, start by monitoring your energy. Track your energy levels against activities, people, and times of the day. Here's what you should do:

1. Monitor yourself for a week to identify your natural energy patterns.

2. Track when you have more social energy (like mornings before noon) and when you need to retreat.

3. Document what you eat before and around social interactions to see how it impacts your energy.

4. Note how much time you spend at home versus socialising to see what drains or energises you.

Once you've collected this data, use it to:

• Plan social engagements during high-energy periods. Schedule coffee dates or social events when your energy is at its peak.

• Avoid demanding social activities during your "retreat" times—those times when you need space to recharge.

• Create a personalised energy management calendar based on your findings.

This practice is all about understanding your energy cycles, so you can make smarter choices about when and how to engage socially. It helps you avoid overcommitting and feeling like you need to retreat, which can be inconsistent or flaky. Knowing your energy patterns allows you to set more realistic expectations for yourself and others.

Practice Saying No Without Guilt: Protecting Your Energy and Values

One of the most powerful ways to protect your energy and stay aligned with your values is learning to say no. You don't have to be available to everyone at all times. Saying no is about choosing where to invest your energy, staying true to your priorities, and being fully present without feeling guilty for setting those limits.

• Know Your Values

• Keep It Simple

• Practice in Low-Stakes Situations

• Align with Your Priorities and abilities
  

Here are some steps to help you practice saying no in a way that feels good:

Steps:

1. Pause and Breathe: Before saying yes to anything, take a moment to check in with your energy. Ask yourself: How does this request make me feel? Do you feel energised or drained by the thought of it?

2. Tune Into Your Values: Quickly assess whether the request aligns with your personal values or priorities. Does it support what you care about, or does it feel like a distraction or energy drain?

3. Use Your Body: Check in with your body. Are you anxious, exhausted, or excited? Your physical state can help you gauge whether this is a "yes" or "no" moment.

4. Say No with Confidence: Once you've tuned into your energy and values, if you need to say no, do so confidently and kindly. Here are some examples:

   • "I'd love to help, but I need to focus on something else right now."

   • "That sounds great, but I cannot commit to this now."

   • "I'm currently taking some time to rest and recharge, so I'll have to pass on this one."

5. Honour Your Decision: After saying no, allow yourself to feel good about your choice. Remember that you're saying no to preserve your energy and stay aligned with your values and capabilities.

The Second Simple Social EQ Skill: Eye Contact and Facial Expression

After spending time in isolation, social interactions can feel awkward, especially regarding eye contact. But the goal isn't about making others feel comfortable—it's about you regaining your confidence and becoming comfortable being seen. The goal is to expand your comfort zone to rebuild social muscles progressively.

Why Eye Contact Matters:

Eye contact is a simple yet powerful form of connection. If you have been avoiding it for a long time, it may evoke discomfort or fear of judgment. This often arises from past experiences that made you feel that looking people in the eyes was risky or would provoke negative responses. Whether stemming from trauma or learned behaviour, avoiding eye contact can feel like a protective shield.

But the more you avoid it, the more it reinforces feelings of invisibility and disconnection, even when you're around others. This avoidance can also lead to assuming rejection when no one is actually rejecting you.

Breaking the Cycle:

When you consciously decide to make eye contact, you start to break that loop. It's not about impressing others but about feeling comfortable being seen and rebuilding your confidence. The more you practice, the easier it becomes to feel grounded and engaged in social interactions.

The Eye Contact Exercise (3 Levels):

This exercise is designed to help you gradually build comfort with eye contact. The goal is to practice regularly and get more at ease with the process, without focusing on how others respond.

Level 1: Intentional Eye Contact with a Smile

Start with small steps. Go for a walk and intentionally make eye contact with people you pass by. Hold the gaze for a moment, and then smile. Don't worry about how they respond; this is for you. You're practicing the act of being seen.

Level 2: Eye Contact, Smile, and Verbal Greeting

Once you're more comfortable holding eye contact, add a simple greeting like "Hi" or "Good morning." Again, this isn't about how others react. It's about practicing engagement and building confidence in yourself.

Level 3: Maintaining Gaze and Repeating Greeting if No Response

At this level, hold eye contact for a longer period. If the person doesn't respond, repeat your greeting. The goal here is to build emotional resilience. Instead of pulling back when you don't get the response you expected, you stay present and keep pushing forward. This exercise teaches you to stay engaged and continue despite the discomfort or lack of response. It's about building the ability to handle awkward or uncomfortable moments without retreating.

I remember walking past a woman in my neighbourhood, making eye contact, and greeting her with "Hello." She didn't respond. Instead of retreating, I insisted with another "Hello," and still got no answer.

The next day, she greeted me first with a smile. This taught me something important: it wasn't about me or her being rude. She had her own world going on; sometimes we assume rejection when it's not personal. By sticking with my practice, I learned to stay open and engaged, regardless of the response; and that's how emotional resilience builds.

The Third Simple Social EQ Skill: A Progressive Plan for Building Social Muscles Gradually

Building social skills doesn't have to happen all at once. It's about gradually challenging yourself in low-pressure environments to develop your confidence. This plan helps you start small and work your way up without overwhelming yourself.

Stage 1: Make eye contact and smile at strangers. Start small by acknowledging people in your environment. A smile and eye contact can be a simple but powerful way to connect without pressure.

Stage 2: Say "hello" to baristas, cashiers, or neighbours. Engage in brief interactions with people you encounter regularly. This could be as simple as greeting someone at the coffee shop or in the lift.

Stage 3: Engage in small talk with coworkers or acquaintances. Prepare three topics in advance and practice how you might respond. For example, Vinh Giang teaches a technique called "the one thing about," where you focus on just one aspect of a topic to discuss. This helps you stay focused and avoid being overwhelmed by all the possible answers. You can learn more from his channel, @askvinh.

Stage 4: Join group activities or social clubs. With a few more people involved, you can begin practicing engaging in larger social settings. This could be a class, a hobby group, or a meetup.

Stage 5: Initiate deeper conversations and social outings. Once you're comfortable, push yourself to have more meaningful interactions. Suggest social outings or deeper discussions with the people you've been connecting with.

Bonus Exercise: Butterfly Hug (Self-Soothing in Social Settings)

This simple exercise is ideal when you feel triggered or overwhelmed in social settings. It's discreet and can be done anywhere you can steal a moment of peace.

How to do it:

1. Find a quiet spot: Look for a place where you can take a short break, such as a restroom, a secluded area in a café, or a quiet corner of a park.

2. Cross your arms: Rest your hands on the opposite shoulders to form the "butterfly" position.

3. Tap alternately: Gently tap each shoulder, alternating from one side to the other. Focus on a slow, rhythmic movement.

This bilateral stimulation calms the nervous system and reassures you that you're safe. Once you finish, take a moment to feel the aliveness in your body and notice how your energy starts to shift.

Practice it before you need it, so you can rely on it when you need a grounding moment.

Conclusion:

Reconnecting with people, whether it's dating or making new friends, requires rebuilding your social muscles. The three most important next steps are:

1. Understanding your energy capability – Know what you can handle so you don't overextend yourself.

2. Learning to say No – Practice setting boundaries without guilt to protect your energy.

3. Going out and training beyond your comfort zone – Practice "habituation" by starting with low-stakes interactions and gradually increasing your engagement.

If you feel triggered or stressed, use the Butterfly Hug exercise I shared to calm yourself. In another video, we'll discuss nervous system regulation in more detail.

Let me know how you're doing in the comments! I'd love to hear about your progress.

Ready to take the next step?
If you’ve been isolated for a long time and want support putting these skills into practice, I offer a 3-session 1:1 coaching package designed to help you rebuild confidence and reconnect at your own pace.

📅 3 x 60-minute sessions
We’ll work together on energy management, real-world social tools, and personalised strategies to help you feel more comfortable connecting.

→ Book your sessions here. cal.com/ellenmouton/social-reconnection-coaching

See you next week!

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