How Understanding 'The Love Formula' Will Prevent You from Falling for the Wrong People and Find Real Compatibility.

Many believe that love is about finding "the one"—that undeniable connection. You are taught that when you know, you just know. And when you experience that intense feeling, you assume it must be love.

But that’s where we go wrong. Because chemistry isn’t love, and love isn’t compatibility.

This misunderstanding is why relationships that begin with passion often crash and burn. It explains why one can love another deeply yet not be suited to each other. It’s also why so many people keep chasing something that feels right but never actually works.

The 3-Part Love Formula

Finding a long-lasting relationship follows a formula—one that can save you years with the wrong people. Let’s break it down.

1. Chemistry ≠ Love

The butterflies, the rush, the magnetic pull—it feels powerful, almost fated. But chemistry is not proof of love; it’s a biological reaction.

When attracted to someone, your brain floods with dopamine, oxytocin, Vasopressin and adrenaline, creating urgency and obsession. This tricks you into believing you’ve found something meaningful before you truly know who the person is.

Chemistry also affects your reasoning centre. A Harvard study explains why "love is blind": When we fall for someone, the part of the brain responsible for negative emotions, fear, and social judgment shuts down. This is why we overlook red flags and idealize people we barely know.

This leads to common mistakes:

• Mistaking obsession for love

• Chasing highs instead of stability

• Ignoring incompatibilities because of strong attraction

The problem? Chemistry always fades. And if that’s all your relationship was built on, it falls apart.

2. Love ≠ Compatibility

You can love someone deeply and still not be right for each other.

Love alone doesn’t make a relationship work; compatibility does. When real-life challenges occur, love without compatibility falls apart.

You can love someone, but:

• If your communication styles clash, conflicts won’t get resolved.

• If your attachment styles trigger anxiety, the relationship won’t feel safe.

• If your core values don’t align, long-term goals will be impossible.

• If your lifestyles are different, one of you will always be sacrificing.

This is why people walk away from relationships despite loving each other. Love isn’t enough—it has to be sustainable.

3. Chemistry ≠ Compatibility

We’re often told that if it feels intense, it must be "meant to be." or that they’re “the right person” " but that’s false. Attraction does not equal compatibility.

Chemistry drives us toward genetic compatibility—not emotional compatibility. When we feel attracted, our brain reacts to biological cues like scent and facial symmetry, not long-term relationship potential.

But modern relationships aren’t about survival and reproduction. We want emotional safety, trust, and shared goals.

A healthy, lasting connection needs shared values, trust, and safety and is built over time.

How to Use the Love Formula to Avoid the Wrong People

1. Stop Assuming Attraction Means "The One"

Just because someone makes your heart race doesn’t mean they’re right for you. Attraction is just one piece of the puzzle. Instead of asking, "Do I feel a strong pull?" ask, "Would this person make a great long-term partner?"

2. Don’t Dismiss People Just Because There’s No Initial Spark

It doesn't mean you're incompatible if you don’t feel immediate chemistry. Some of the strongest relationships begin when chemistry builds over time.

If someone aligns with your values, treats you well, and makes you feel safe, give it time. Many happy couples say they weren’t instantly attracted to each other—but their connection grew.

3. Look for Compatibility First

Instead of chasing instant attraction, focus on:

• How they communicate under stress

• How they treat you and others

• How their attachment style is manageable

• If they share your long-term goals

• If they’re emotionally available and consistent

• If they make you laugh and feel safe

These are the real predictors of a lasting relationship.

4. Choose Someone Based on Reality, Not a Feeling

Love is a choice. A long-term relationship isn’t something that just “happens” because the initial attraction was strong—it’s something you build with the right person. It requires observation, patience, and work.

If you let feelings dictate your decisions, you’ll keep repeating the same toxic cycles. Instead, focus on compatibility and don’t be afraid to walk away if something feels off.

Exercises to Reconnect with Reality & Improve Judgment

When hormones take over, it’s easy to become obsessed. These exercises help ground you:

1. Deep Breathing (Activating the Rational Brain)

   • Try box breathing: Inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4, exhale for 4, and hold again. Repeat.

2. Relaxation (Calming the Nervous System)

   • Practice mindfulness, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation to reduce stress hormones.

3. Physical Activity (Releasing Emotional Energy)

   • Running, yoga, or weight training can break obsessive thought patterns and restore clarity.

4. Social Support (Reconnecting with Reality)

   • Spend time with friends and family to gain perspective and see the bigger picture.

Final Reminder: The Love Formula

• Chemistry ≠ Love

• Love ≠ Compatibility

• Therefore, Chemistry ≠ Compatibility

And no initial chemistry doesn’t mean no compatibility.

Next time you think, "I've never felt this way before," remind yourself—it doesn’t mean it’s meant to be. And it doesn’t mean you’re compatible. But it’s up to you to find out.

As I always say: "The strongest relationships aren’t the ones that start with fireworks. They are built over time."

For the full deep dive into chemistry love and compatibility, including expert insights and strategies and free tools to break free from toxic cycles, subscribe to my full-length unfiltered newsletter. Get it here

Recommended Reading

• “The Female Brain” by Louann Brizendine (Buy on Amazon)

• “Why Men Love Sex, and Women Love Love” by Allan and Barbara Pease (Buy on Amazon)

• “The Chemistry Between Us” by Larry Young and Brian Alexander (Buy on Amazon)

Further Exploration

Videos:

• Oxytocin, Vasopressin, and Dopamine’s Role in Bonding: A video that delves into the roles of these hormones in romantic relationships and bonding.
  youtube.com

• Dr. Tara Swart — What Science Says About Non-Monogamy: In this discussion, Dr. Tara Swart explores the neuroscience behind monogamous and non-monogamy relationships, shedding light on evolutionary mating strategies.
  youtube.com

Articles:

academic.oup.com

Oxytocin, Dopamine, and Opioid Interactions Underlying Pair Bonding

Behavioural and cardiovascular consequences of disrupted oxytocin communication in cohabitating pairs of male and female prairie voles . Soc Neurosci. 2019. Read here.

jneurosci.org

Oxytocin Modulates Social Distance between Males and Females

November 14, 2012 — Research on monogamous mammals, particularly prairie voles, has shown that the neuropeptide oxytocin (OXT) promotes the formation of pair-bonds . Read here.

hms.harvard.edu

Love and the Brain | Harvard Medical School

Released during sex and heightened by skin-to-skin contact, oxytocin deepens feelings of attachment and makes couples feel closer to one another after having. Read here.

Ellen Mouton

www.ellenmouton.com